Monday, September 21, 2009

Waiting is the hardest part....

I have lost people that I love before. This is not new.

As a nurse I have watched patients fight to live. I have watched as their families stand by helpless and hopeless as their loved one fights. I know the helplessness of knowing that there is nothing left to do but wait. And hope. And pray.

But I am sitting here, watching my grandmother struggle for each breath. And my prayer is not for a miracle. My prayer is an end to her sufferring. And then I feel guilty. It makes me feel like I am praying that she would die. And I don't want her to die. I can't imagine my world without her. But the idea of her suffering, of her being in pain, is breaking my heart into thousands of pieces.

I know that everyone thinks that their grandparents/parents are the best. I know in my life there have been few other people who have been so instrumental in helping to mold me into who I am. She believed in me when no one else did. She gave me a home when I had no where else to go. She encouraged me to start over again and to remember that I was special, even when I had given up on myself.

My flight home is scheduled for tomorrow. This time when I leave, I leave knowing that I will never see her again. Never speak to her again. That she will never meet my children.

So I wait. And pray. And hope. Knowing that no matter what I do, some time in the next few hours, days, or weeks, a light will go out of this world, out of my life. And I will never be the same again.

1 comment:

Thea said...

Oh, my love, I am sorry that you have to go through this and yet, I know that you will be stronger for it.

The best thing you can do for her is to remember her, how she was before and how she is now. And then tell those stories to your children. I know that will make her very proud.