You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home
I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again
And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now
Song and Lyrics by: Mercy Me
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvhrPMJe8LE
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Waiting is the hardest part....
I have lost people that I love before. This is not new.
As a nurse I have watched patients fight to live. I have watched as their families stand by helpless and hopeless as their loved one fights. I know the helplessness of knowing that there is nothing left to do but wait. And hope. And pray.
But I am sitting here, watching my grandmother struggle for each breath. And my prayer is not for a miracle. My prayer is an end to her sufferring. And then I feel guilty. It makes me feel like I am praying that she would die. And I don't want her to die. I can't imagine my world without her. But the idea of her suffering, of her being in pain, is breaking my heart into thousands of pieces.
I know that everyone thinks that their grandparents/parents are the best. I know in my life there have been few other people who have been so instrumental in helping to mold me into who I am. She believed in me when no one else did. She gave me a home when I had no where else to go. She encouraged me to start over again and to remember that I was special, even when I had given up on myself.
My flight home is scheduled for tomorrow. This time when I leave, I leave knowing that I will never see her again. Never speak to her again. That she will never meet my children.
So I wait. And pray. And hope. Knowing that no matter what I do, some time in the next few hours, days, or weeks, a light will go out of this world, out of my life. And I will never be the same again.
As a nurse I have watched patients fight to live. I have watched as their families stand by helpless and hopeless as their loved one fights. I know the helplessness of knowing that there is nothing left to do but wait. And hope. And pray.
But I am sitting here, watching my grandmother struggle for each breath. And my prayer is not for a miracle. My prayer is an end to her sufferring. And then I feel guilty. It makes me feel like I am praying that she would die. And I don't want her to die. I can't imagine my world without her. But the idea of her suffering, of her being in pain, is breaking my heart into thousands of pieces.
I know that everyone thinks that their grandparents/parents are the best. I know in my life there have been few other people who have been so instrumental in helping to mold me into who I am. She believed in me when no one else did. She gave me a home when I had no where else to go. She encouraged me to start over again and to remember that I was special, even when I had given up on myself.
My flight home is scheduled for tomorrow. This time when I leave, I leave knowing that I will never see her again. Never speak to her again. That she will never meet my children.
So I wait. And pray. And hope. Knowing that no matter what I do, some time in the next few hours, days, or weeks, a light will go out of this world, out of my life. And I will never be the same again.
Friday, May 1, 2009
When one door opens...
I haven't blogged in awhile. I feel like I have so much going through my head that it is hard to put words to the things that I want to say.
It seems weird to me that I am just a week away from graduation. I am excited that this chapter is ending and a new one is beginning. But as always, this ending will be bittersweet.
I have met and gotten to know some very wonderful people since beginning nursing school almost 2 years ago. We have become a part of each others lives, at first out of necessity, then out of choice. We have forged friendships that have helped us make it though school and life. We have shared each others triumphs, and we have cried together over each others hurts. There is such a special bond here, because unless you have been there, you will never know what it is like to be in nursing school. Without each other to support us and push us to not give up, many of us would have thrown the towel in a long time ago. It is like having your own cheering section! If there is anything I will miss about being in nursing school, it is this.
We are moving on. Sure, we will all say that we are going to keep in touch. And some of us will at first. But then life will get involved. And what is now will fade to but a wonderful memory that I can one day look back on and wonder what ever happened to...
So, yes, I am happy to graduate and be done. But I am sad to say goodbye to some of the best people a girl could hope to meet. So if I cry while I am smiling, don't worry. I am happy, I promise. But I am a little sad too.
It seems weird to me that I am just a week away from graduation. I am excited that this chapter is ending and a new one is beginning. But as always, this ending will be bittersweet.
I am looking toward my future with a new hope and happiness that I have never really known in the past. I haven't really stopped smiling since I got my job offer, and I am so very excited. It is going to be such a great opportunity for me to learn and grow.
Yet, part of me feels like crying. I can go from thinking about how great life is, to just wanted to burst into tears (and no, I am not pregnant... but that is a blog for another day!)
We are moving on. Sure, we will all say that we are going to keep in touch. And some of us will at first. But then life will get involved. And what is now will fade to but a wonderful memory that I can one day look back on and wonder what ever happened to...
So, yes, I am happy to graduate and be done. But I am sad to say goodbye to some of the best people a girl could hope to meet. So if I cry while I am smiling, don't worry. I am happy, I promise. But I am a little sad too.
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Friendship
I realized today that it has been awhile since I last wrote anything. I have found that being a full-time student and wife along with having two part-time jobs makes it difficult for me to come and share my thoughts. Often these days those thoughts seem so jumbled that I really have to wonder if anyone will even care what they are anyway!!
These last couple of months have led me to some discoveries about myself and about the people in my life.
I was blessed to have the opportunity to have a girl afternoon with one of my most favorite people last weekend. We went to lunch and just sat and talked for hours. It was fantastic to be able to sit and talk and listen and know that some things in life don't change. Sure we grow older, get married, have kids (not always in that order). But even though we change and life changes, there are some things that remain constant.
I am lucky in that I have several friends that I have known for over ten years. Even luckier that my two closest friends in the world are the same today as they were when I was 16. We share a closeness that you can only have after being a part of someone's life for that long. Luckier still that one of those people has been in my life since I was 11.
Over the years we have had times when we lived apart, or didn't talk (for one reason or another). We have had times when we were not there for each other like we should have been, when our pride or our anger kept us from saying a simple "I'm sorry." Yet somehow we always end up back together. Like we should be. And not to be cliche, but these friends complete me. It is an amazing thing to have friends who have been there with you through the good, the bad, and the downright ugly. It is even more amazing to know that those friends still love you, just for who you are. There are no pretenses. I don't have to filter my thoughts. They get me.
The beauty of true friendship is in that, at our very lowest, we are loved anyway. That isn't to say that we don't let each other know when we are screwing up. We are pretty good at that. I think it is because it is easier to see the potential in someone we love then it is to see the potential in ourselves. That in and of itself is what makes friendship so special.
As a teenager you think that it is the number of friendships that you have that is important. As an adult you know that friendship is judged by what you have been through together, what you have survived. My friends were there when my life fell apart, and they helped me pick up the pieces and rebuild on a stronger foundation. At times it must have been difficult to be my friend. It is hard to watch someone you love screw up so badly. Yet through it all, they loved me. Even when they had to step back, there was love. Sometimes I think that we need to step back because of that love. And I know now what I didn't understand then, taking that step back is hard.
In May I graduate from College. I will officially be an RN. And although I know that I did the hard work, I also know that the degree that will be in my hand will not only belong to me. It will belong to my husband who has sacrificed and worked 100 hour weeks so that I didn't have to. It will belong to my family who has supported me and believed in me. And it will belong to my friends. Most people have dreams. I am lucky enough that the people in my life have dreamed my dreams with me. Lucky enough to have friends that know who I was, and love me despite my mistakes. Luckier still that those same friends are my cheering section today.
Friendship is a miracle. My friends are my miracle.
These last couple of months have led me to some discoveries about myself and about the people in my life.
I was blessed to have the opportunity to have a girl afternoon with one of my most favorite people last weekend. We went to lunch and just sat and talked for hours. It was fantastic to be able to sit and talk and listen and know that some things in life don't change. Sure we grow older, get married, have kids (not always in that order). But even though we change and life changes, there are some things that remain constant.
I am lucky in that I have several friends that I have known for over ten years. Even luckier that my two closest friends in the world are the same today as they were when I was 16. We share a closeness that you can only have after being a part of someone's life for that long. Luckier still that one of those people has been in my life since I was 11.
Over the years we have had times when we lived apart, or didn't talk (for one reason or another). We have had times when we were not there for each other like we should have been, when our pride or our anger kept us from saying a simple "I'm sorry." Yet somehow we always end up back together. Like we should be. And not to be cliche, but these friends complete me. It is an amazing thing to have friends who have been there with you through the good, the bad, and the downright ugly. It is even more amazing to know that those friends still love you, just for who you are. There are no pretenses. I don't have to filter my thoughts. They get me.
The beauty of true friendship is in that, at our very lowest, we are loved anyway. That isn't to say that we don't let each other know when we are screwing up. We are pretty good at that. I think it is because it is easier to see the potential in someone we love then it is to see the potential in ourselves. That in and of itself is what makes friendship so special.
As a teenager you think that it is the number of friendships that you have that is important. As an adult you know that friendship is judged by what you have been through together, what you have survived. My friends were there when my life fell apart, and they helped me pick up the pieces and rebuild on a stronger foundation. At times it must have been difficult to be my friend. It is hard to watch someone you love screw up so badly. Yet through it all, they loved me. Even when they had to step back, there was love. Sometimes I think that we need to step back because of that love. And I know now what I didn't understand then, taking that step back is hard.
In May I graduate from College. I will officially be an RN. And although I know that I did the hard work, I also know that the degree that will be in my hand will not only belong to me. It will belong to my husband who has sacrificed and worked 100 hour weeks so that I didn't have to. It will belong to my family who has supported me and believed in me. And it will belong to my friends. Most people have dreams. I am lucky enough that the people in my life have dreamed my dreams with me. Lucky enough to have friends that know who I was, and love me despite my mistakes. Luckier still that those same friends are my cheering section today.
Friendship is a miracle. My friends are my miracle.
Sunday, August 17, 2008
Note to Self #3
1. Do not go on vacation with your in-laws. Although you may get along well before you leave, by the time you get back you will have an overwhelming urge to throttle them while they sleep.
2. Remember, however interfering your mother-in-law is, she is your husbands mother and you will have to deal with her for the rest of your life. Try to control the urge to throttle her in her sleep as it will help you avoid marital spats.
3. In an effort to maintain a friendly relationship with your in-laws it would be best if you didn't inform them that you think that they should have spanked their children more when they were younger (no matter how true this statement may be!!)
4. When your mother-in-law accuses you of using her son for money, do not slap her (no matter how strong the urge may be!) Try to be the bigger person. However satisfying popping her in her nosy mouth may be, it may lead to an argument with your spouse. Instead, politely inform her that your finances are none of her concern as you have never, and will never, ask her for money.
5. However satisfying it may be, it may not be prudent to inform said interfering mother-in-law that she is in America and in this country marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship.
6. When all else fails, try to remember that if you do have to remind her that she lives in America and in this country men are not the boss by virtue of having a penis, or that regardless of what she thinks that no man has the right to speak to his wife as though she were garbage, try to do so with a smile.
7. When your in-laws poor time management skills cause you to miss your flight home (which also happens to be the last flight of the day), continue to avoid the urge to throttle them. Now may be a good time for the tequila you stashed in your luggage. If drinking it does not help at least you will have something hard to knock them out with.
8. When invited on their trip next year, try to avoid the phrase "HELL NO!!" Instead decline gracefully. Then leave everyone else at home and go alone to visit Thea.
2. Remember, however interfering your mother-in-law is, she is your husbands mother and you will have to deal with her for the rest of your life. Try to control the urge to throttle her in her sleep as it will help you avoid marital spats.
3. In an effort to maintain a friendly relationship with your in-laws it would be best if you didn't inform them that you think that they should have spanked their children more when they were younger (no matter how true this statement may be!!)
4. When your mother-in-law accuses you of using her son for money, do not slap her (no matter how strong the urge may be!) Try to be the bigger person. However satisfying popping her in her nosy mouth may be, it may lead to an argument with your spouse. Instead, politely inform her that your finances are none of her concern as you have never, and will never, ask her for money.
5. However satisfying it may be, it may not be prudent to inform said interfering mother-in-law that she is in America and in this country marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship.
6. When all else fails, try to remember that if you do have to remind her that she lives in America and in this country men are not the boss by virtue of having a penis, or that regardless of what she thinks that no man has the right to speak to his wife as though she were garbage, try to do so with a smile.
7. When your in-laws poor time management skills cause you to miss your flight home (which also happens to be the last flight of the day), continue to avoid the urge to throttle them. Now may be a good time for the tequila you stashed in your luggage. If drinking it does not help at least you will have something hard to knock them out with.
8. When invited on their trip next year, try to avoid the phrase "HELL NO!!" Instead decline gracefully. Then leave everyone else at home and go alone to visit Thea.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
Forgiveness...
What is it about my husband that makes him unable to see that in life there are grey areas? Please don't misunderstand me, I love my husband, so much that sometimes I think it is too much. And he is really a wonderful man.
But, he has this little flaw. Really, it is just a little one. But it drives me absolutely crazy.
Maybe the flaw is in me, but I am a forgiver. I can't help it. That is the way I was built. Call me a glutton for punishment, but I believe that everybody deserves a second chance. Maybe I am a fool. But I understand that people make mistakes, do things that they aren't proud of. Hell, I have done my fair share of stupid. I have, on occassion, done or said something that has caused someone that I care for pain. I have required forgiveness and understanding and I feel as though I should share in kind.
My husband on the other hand, calls me naive. Naive because despite all that life has thrown my way and all I have seen, I believe that people are inherently good. If I didn't believe that, I think that I would struggle through life each day. But because I do believe in the goodness of people, I find that life is worth all of the ups and downs.
Yes, I realize that there are those who would take advantage of me and others like me. People have. I am not stupid. But I think if I spent all of my time worrying about what other people were doing, saying, or thinking I would go crazy. So I chose to continue to believe that people are good. That others would do the same for me if the tables were turned.
Maybe that makes me naive. My husband sure thinks so, thinks that I risk too much by forgiving and giving second chances. That may be true. But even if it is, I would rather be naive and have my heart broken than be cynical and unable to feel at all.
But, he has this little flaw. Really, it is just a little one. But it drives me absolutely crazy.
Maybe the flaw is in me, but I am a forgiver. I can't help it. That is the way I was built. Call me a glutton for punishment, but I believe that everybody deserves a second chance. Maybe I am a fool. But I understand that people make mistakes, do things that they aren't proud of. Hell, I have done my fair share of stupid. I have, on occassion, done or said something that has caused someone that I care for pain. I have required forgiveness and understanding and I feel as though I should share in kind.
My husband on the other hand, calls me naive. Naive because despite all that life has thrown my way and all I have seen, I believe that people are inherently good. If I didn't believe that, I think that I would struggle through life each day. But because I do believe in the goodness of people, I find that life is worth all of the ups and downs.
Yes, I realize that there are those who would take advantage of me and others like me. People have. I am not stupid. But I think if I spent all of my time worrying about what other people were doing, saying, or thinking I would go crazy. So I chose to continue to believe that people are good. That others would do the same for me if the tables were turned.
Maybe that makes me naive. My husband sure thinks so, thinks that I risk too much by forgiving and giving second chances. That may be true. But even if it is, I would rather be naive and have my heart broken than be cynical and unable to feel at all.
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
HOME
When I saw that this months theme for NaBloPoMo was Home I thought to myself, great... again with nothing to write about. But it really made me stop and think about what the word "home" means. In its literal translation it means where you live. But to me that is a house. To me a home is where we feel affection and security, the place where when things are bad you want to be.
Growing up my home was with my grandparents. It was there that I felt free to just be myself. There that I felt loved.
Moving to Indiana didn't just tear me away from family, it took my home away. And it wasn't until a few years ago that I truly felt as though I again had a home. Yes, I always had a house. But it was one where I felt like an outsider, never to fit in.
I think that I tried a lot of things in my youth in the search of home. In search of that place where I was loved unconditionally. It was not until I met the man who would become my husband that I came home. And in finding my husband I learned that home isn't necessarily a place.
We have an apartment and we are happy with it for now, but it isn't home. Home for me is where he is. I feel it when I walk in the door after a bad day and he is there to hold me. I feel it when he walks in every night, kisses me, and hugs me. This is home and there's no place better.
Growing up my home was with my grandparents. It was there that I felt free to just be myself. There that I felt loved.
Moving to Indiana didn't just tear me away from family, it took my home away. And it wasn't until a few years ago that I truly felt as though I again had a home. Yes, I always had a house. But it was one where I felt like an outsider, never to fit in.
I think that I tried a lot of things in my youth in the search of home. In search of that place where I was loved unconditionally. It was not until I met the man who would become my husband that I came home. And in finding my husband I learned that home isn't necessarily a place.
We have an apartment and we are happy with it for now, but it isn't home. Home for me is where he is. I feel it when I walk in the door after a bad day and he is there to hold me. I feel it when he walks in every night, kisses me, and hugs me. This is home and there's no place better.
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