Tuesday, October 14, 2008


I realized today that it has been awhile since I last wrote anything. I have found that being a full-time student and wife along with having two part-time jobs makes it difficult for me to come and share my thoughts. Often these days those thoughts seem so jumbled that I really have to wonder if anyone will even care what they are anyway!!

These last couple of months have led me to some discoveries about myself and about the people in my life.

I was blessed to have the opportunity to have a girl afternoon with one of my most favorite people last weekend. We went to lunch and just sat and talked for hours. It was fantastic to be able to sit and talk and listen and know that some things in life don't change. Sure we grow older, get married, have kids (not always in that order). But even though we change and life changes, there are some things that remain constant.

I am lucky in that I have several friends that I have known for over ten years. Even luckier that my two closest friends in the world are the same today as they were when I was 16. We share a closeness that you can only have after being a part of someone's life for that long. Luckier still that one of those people has been in my life since I was 11.

Over the years we have had times when we lived apart, or didn't talk (for one reason or another). We have had times when we were not there for each other like we should have been, when our pride or our anger kept us from saying a simple "I'm sorry." Yet somehow we always end up back together. Like we should be. And not to be cliche, but these friends complete me. It is an amazing thing to have friends who have been there with you through the good, the bad, and the downright ugly. It is even more amazing to know that those friends still love you, just for who you are. There are no pretenses. I don't have to filter my thoughts. They get me.

The beauty of true friendship is in that, at our very lowest, we are loved anyway. That isn't to say that we don't let each other know when we are screwing up. We are pretty good at that. I think it is because it is easier to see the potential in someone we love then it is to see the potential in ourselves. That in and of itself is what makes friendship so special.

As a teenager you think that it is the number of friendships that you have that is important. As an adult you know that friendship is judged by what you have been through together, what you have survived. My friends were there when my life fell apart, and they helped me pick up the pieces and rebuild on a stronger foundation. At times it must have been difficult to be my friend. It is hard to watch someone you love screw up so badly. Yet through it all, they loved me. Even when they had to step back, there was love. Sometimes I think that we need to step back because of that love. And I know now what I didn't understand then, taking that step back is hard.

In May I graduate from College. I will officially be an RN. And although I know that I did the hard work, I also know that the degree that will be in my hand will not only belong to me. It will belong to my husband who has sacrificed and worked 100 hour weeks so that I didn't have to. It will belong to my family who has supported me and believed in me. And it will belong to my friends. Most people have dreams. I am lucky enough that the people in my life have dreamed my dreams with me. Lucky enough to have friends that know who I was, and love me despite my mistakes. Luckier still that those same friends are my cheering section today.

Friendship is a miracle. My friends are my miracle.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Note to Self #3

1. Do not go on vacation with your in-laws. Although you may get along well before you leave, by the time you get back you will have an overwhelming urge to throttle them while they sleep.

2. Remember, however interfering your mother-in-law is, she is your husbands mother and you will have to deal with her for the rest of your life. Try to control the urge to throttle her in her sleep as it will help you avoid marital spats.

3. In an effort to maintain a friendly relationship with your in-laws it would be best if you didn't inform them that you think that they should have spanked their children more when they were younger (no matter how true this statement may be!!)

4. When your mother-in-law accuses you of using her son for money, do not slap her (no matter how strong the urge may be!) Try to be the bigger person. However satisfying popping her in her nosy mouth may be, it may lead to an argument with your spouse. Instead, politely inform her that your finances are none of her concern as you have never, and will never, ask her for money.

5. However satisfying it may be, it may not be prudent to inform said interfering mother-in-law that she is in America and in this country marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship.

6. When all else fails, try to remember that if you do have to remind her that she lives in America and in this country men are not the boss by virtue of having a penis, or that regardless of what she thinks that no man has the right to speak to his wife as though she were garbage, try to do so with a smile.

7. When your in-laws poor time management skills cause you to miss your flight home (which also happens to be the last flight of the day), continue to avoid the urge to throttle them. Now may be a good time for the tequila you stashed in your luggage. If drinking it does not help at least you will have something hard to knock them out with.

8. When invited on their trip next year, try to avoid the phrase "HELL NO!!" Instead decline gracefully. Then leave everyone else at home and go alone to visit Thea.

Saturday, June 28, 2008


What is it about my husband that makes him unable to see that in life there are grey areas? Please don't misunderstand me, I love my husband, so much that sometimes I think it is too much. And he is really a wonderful man.

But, he has this little flaw. Really, it is just a little one. But it drives me absolutely crazy.

Maybe the flaw is in me, but I am a forgiver. I can't help it. That is the way I was built. Call me a glutton for punishment, but I believe that everybody deserves a second chance. Maybe I am a fool. But I understand that people make mistakes, do things that they aren't proud of. Hell, I have done my fair share of stupid. I have, on occassion, done or said something that has caused someone that I care for pain. I have required forgiveness and understanding and I feel as though I should share in kind.

My husband on the other hand, calls me naive. Naive because despite all that life has thrown my way and all I have seen, I believe that people are inherently good. If I didn't believe that, I think that I would struggle through life each day. But because I do believe in the goodness of people, I find that life is worth all of the ups and downs.

Yes, I realize that there are those who would take advantage of me and others like me. People have. I am not stupid. But I think if I spent all of my time worrying about what other people were doing, saying, or thinking I would go crazy. So I chose to continue to believe that people are good. That others would do the same for me if the tables were turned.

Maybe that makes me naive. My husband sure thinks so, thinks that I risk too much by forgiving and giving second chances. That may be true. But even if it is, I would rather be naive and have my heart broken than be cynical and unable to feel at all.

Wednesday, June 4, 2008


When I saw that this months theme for NaBloPoMo was Home I thought to myself, great... again with nothing to write about. But it really made me stop and think about what the word "home" means. In its literal translation it means where you live. But to me that is a house. To me a home is where we feel affection and security, the place where when things are bad you want to be.

Growing up my home was with my grandparents. It was there that I felt free to just be myself. There that I felt loved.

Moving to Indiana didn't just tear me away from family, it took my home away. And it wasn't until a few years ago that I truly felt as though I again had a home. Yes, I always had a house. But it was one where I felt like an outsider, never to fit in.

I think that I tried a lot of things in my youth in the search of home. In search of that place where I was loved unconditionally. It was not until I met the man who would become my husband that I came home. And in finding my husband I learned that home isn't necessarily a place.

We have an apartment and we are happy with it for now, but it isn't home. Home for me is where he is. I feel it when I walk in the door after a bad day and he is there to hold me. I feel it when he walks in every night, kisses me, and hugs me. This is home and there's no place better.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

New Note to Self:

The correct time to blurt out "CRAP!!!" is not:

1. When you are trying to poke a needle through another person's flesh
2. When your instructor is on the other side of the patients bed

These things tend to be worse when combined, so if you do feel it is necessary to let your Tourettes take over it is best to make sure that either your instructor isn't in the room with you, or you are not in a patients room.

Further, although it may be amusing when the patient says "I don't know what her problem is, it isn't like you said SHIT!" try not to laugh too hard. Because then the teacher wants an explanation (which you can not give her due to the fact that you are laughing so hard that you can't catch your breath) and tends to get very upset.

Finally, when your instructor pulls you aside following such a fiasco as this, try to act contrite.
Do not upset the teacher. She is grading you.

Sunday, April 20, 2008

Dear Old Friend

I have started this letter to you too many times to count. Somehow what I want to say sounds so shallow and I am unsure if you even want to hear it. I find it hard, after almost 5 years to know where to begin, or what to say.

I want to tell you that I have missed your friendship and companionship. I want to tell you that I am sorry for the things that I did that created the rift between us.

And I want to tell you how incredibly sorry I was to hear about the loss of your father. I know the sorrow that comes with losing someone so close and important to you. Losing a parent is especially hard and I am sorry that I was not there for you to support you in a time where the world no longer made sense and when you needed all of your friends.

And I grieve because your father was always kind to me, always treated me as an equal, like I was important. Your father and your mother helped me to realize that no matter the mistakes I had made or the wrong turns I had taken, I was important and I still had the potential to be anything that I wanted to.

And I want to tell you that your parents are a big reason that I decided to go back to school to become a nurse. Your mothers enthusiasm and love for what she did inspired me. Because of her and your father I have decided to follow the same path and become a midwife. And I wanted you to know that I wish that your father could know that he made a difference in my life. I am a better person because of you, because of your parents.

And whether you decide to ever talk to me again or you want to let life remain as it is, I wanted you to know that having had you and your family in my life changed the path that I was on, and I will be forever grateful for your friendship and support. Forever grateful for having someone who believed in me even when I did not believe in my self.

I hope that in time I will get the chance to make a difference in someone else's life, a chance to pay it forward. And when and if I get that opportunity I will remember when someone did the same for me and know that even in death, people can still change our lives, still make a difference.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Note to Self:

1. Though it may be annoying that your husband complains about the mess and then creates one and leaves it in the middle of the living room for over a week, bitching at him to clean it up will do no good.

2. When your boss calls and asks you to work extra hours, only say yes if you really want to. Get a backbone for goodness sake!! You do not need to please everyone all the time.

3. When your mother says or does something to annoy you (as she does on a weekly basis) just let it go. She is never going to take responsibility for the things she says and does and it is time that you realize that the only person that you can control is yourself.

4. Finally, for the love of all that is holy, do not tell your sister anything. She has a very big mouth and tells mom everything. This leads to issues and then you get mad. (see #3)

Saturday, April 5, 2008

12 years later...

Talking to an old friend today got me to thinking.

Thinking about past mistakes and how they shape our futures, about loved ones lost and missed. About all the things that we wish we could go back and change that we never can.

How do you heal the scars of a past that doesn't want to let you go? How do you move on to a future that you can no longer imagine, one you haven't the strength left to fight for it?

I remember feeling this way too many times to count, and yet, here I stand. Happy, whole, loved. And still I can't, for the life of me, figure out how it is that I got here.

How did I make it past the times when my heart felt like it had shattered in my chest and I couldn't breath, because breathing, living, staying meant that if I did, I would do it alone? How did I pick up the pieces and put them back together even though I lost of few of those pieces somewhere along the way?

How did life go on without him in it? How did I move on when, at the time, it was all I could do not to crumble? How did I get here from there?

Would he be proud of me, of the woman I have become or would he be disappointed in the choices that I have made? And why, after 12 years, does it still matter so very much?

Still, after 12 years, I grieve. Grieve for the parts of my life that he has missed. Grieve that he wasn't there on my wedding day. Grieve that he never met my husband, that he never met my brothers children, that they will never meet him. Never know how special he was. Never know that without him in my life, I wouldn't be who I am today.

And I grieve because soon grandma will join him. And I feel as though I should be rejoicing, for she will again be with her love. She has grieved so hard for so long. Her love for him did not die just because he did.

Yet, no matter how old I get, how mature I may be, I still find it hard to say good-bye, hard to let go. At 28 I still feel like there is still so much in my life that I need her for. So much that I don't yet know about life, and love, and letting go.

And I know now what I didn't know then. Grief never goes away. It may fade for a time, but when you least expect it, it pops back up, and it is like is was the first day. You never know what will trigger it. Maybe a song, a sound, a smell. And it is there, still sharp and piercing just under the surface, waiting for a chance to make itself known.