Homesick

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now

Song and Lyrics by: Mercy Me

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zvhrPMJe8LE

Waiting is the hardest part....

I have lost people that I love before. This is not new.

As a nurse I have watched patients fight to live. I have watched as their families stand by helpless and hopeless as their loved one fights. I know the helplessness of knowing that there is nothing left to do but wait. And hope. And pray.

But I am sitting here, watching my grandmother struggle for each breath. And my prayer is not for a miracle. My prayer is an end to her sufferring. And then I feel guilty. It makes me feel like I am praying that she would die. And I don't want her to die. I can't imagine my world without her. But the idea of her suffering, of her being in pain, is breaking my heart into thousands of pieces.

I know that everyone thinks that their grandparents/parents are the best. I know in my life there have been few other people who have been so instrumental in helping to mold me into who I am. She believed in me when no one else did. She gave me a home when I had no where else to go. She encouraged me to start over again and to remember that I was special, even when I had given up on myself.

My flight home is scheduled for tomorrow. This time when I leave, I leave knowing that I will never see her again. Never speak to her again. That she will never meet my children.

So I wait. And pray. And hope. Knowing that no matter what I do, some time in the next few hours, days, or weeks, a light will go out of this world, out of my life. And I will never be the same again.

When one door opens...

I haven't blogged in awhile. I feel like I have so much going through my head that it is hard to put words to the things that I want to say.

It seems weird to me that I am just a week away from graduation. I am excited that this chapter is ending and a new one is beginning. But as always, this ending will be bittersweet.

I am looking toward my future with a new hope and happiness that I have never really known in the past. I haven't really stopped smiling since I got my job offer, and I am so very excited. It is going to be such a great opportunity for me to learn and grow.

Yet, part of me feels like crying. I can go from thinking about how great life is, to just wanted to burst into tears (and no, I am not pregnant... but that is a blog for another day!)

I have met and gotten to know some very wonderful people since beginning nursing school almost 2 years ago. We have become a part of each others lives, at first out of necessity, then out of choice. We have forged friendships that have helped us make it though school and life. We have shared each others triumphs, and we have cried together over each others hurts. There is such a special bond here, because unless you have been there, you will never know what it is like to be in nursing school. Without each other to support us and push us to not give up, many of us would have thrown the towel in a long time ago. It is like having your own cheering section! If there is anything I will miss about being in nursing school, it is this.

We are moving on. Sure, we will all say that we are going to keep in touch. And some of us will at first. But then life will get involved. And what is now will fade to but a wonderful memory that I can one day look back on and wonder what ever happened to...

So, yes, I am happy to graduate and be done. But I am sad to say goodbye to some of the best people a girl could hope to meet. So if I cry while I am smiling, don't worry. I am happy, I promise. But I am a little sad too.